Episode 4: Sci-Fi Showdown! 4Kids Entertainment Representative: What do you mean I can't be the narrator again? Bloody 4Kids Entertainment. They say I was too lenient on the last episode and that there are now a reported 1,000 teenage pregnancies due to that. Why didn't you warn me MATER?!?! MATER: Don't interrupt me! I'm on the phone. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: MATER, you are getting lazy again. MATER: I'm gonna see if I can get 'Nasty' Nick Bateman to be the narrator in this episode. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Stop it already! Say something you didn't say last episode MATER: How about pavement? Didn't say that last time. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: I guess that's an improvement, at least his mouth is workingÉ Brock: Stop stealing my line from the pokemon movie! MATER: Shur upa ya face Brock! You are an actor and have to wait until you have been introduced to do anything. Brock: Aw. MATER: Anyway, I've got the announcer from the Pokemon League competition for this week. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Damn! I'll have to pay him more money. Best talk to the accountant. Pokemon League Announcer: Last time! On pooooookemon! Laaapraaaas aaaannoyed everyyybody! Broooooock added to his tally of kiiiills MATER: Stop talking like this is a pokemon league match. Just say the bloody line, okay. PLA: Sorry, well, are Butch and Jesse married? Will the kids destroy another town on their pokemon journey? Find out NOW!! MATER: He's not that badÉ 4Kids Entertainment Representative: The finance director is going to kill me. Ash: Has anyone else noticed that this programme has gone downhill since MATER started writing it? I much prefer the first series. Snorlax: Snor, snor! Ash: Well Trace, if you like it, I'll just have to put up with it. MATER: Tracey has good taste. Wait, even I think he is Tracey now. He's a master of disguise. Ash: What was that MATER? Did you say I was a pokemon master? MATER: No I didn't. Just get on with it Ash. Misty: So, Butch, are you married to Jesse? That's so romantic! Ash: You said that last time! You just replaced Brock with Butch and Officer Jenny with Jesse. Brock: But wait, you said that last time too. MATER: What? Do I look like a guy who is not lazy? Ash: I've never even SEEN you! How can I tell if you are lazy of not! Butch: WellÉ Jesse: Hey! You know I'm the one who wears the pants in this relationship! Butch: Sorry Ma'am. But you wear a mini-skirt! Jesse: Silence! You know what I mean. Anyway, he meant if wife-to-be. {Jesse shows off her ring with its huge shiny rock. I think Staryu gems are better than Starmie gems, don't you?} Misty: That's so cruel! How could you be so mean to a poor little Staryu! Jesse: It looks pretty. Brock: That's good enough for me. Shouldn't we be running for our lives though! The Gyarados are destroying the city. Ash: I think we will be safe in the biggest area of water in Cerulean City from these land-going mammals. {Ash's' judgement is proved flawed as the water loving Gyarados all take a dip in the pool. That Cerulean City sister I couldn't remember the name of died. That was convenient, I'd become fed up off writing her name all the time, and it means we are free of Microsoft's EVIL fascist stronghold on our lives! Hoorayeth!} Ash: Let's go to Vermilion City to get my Thunder Badge! {The twerps go to Vermilion City. Ash tries to take Tracey/Snorlax to all the places were they got lost in. Unfortunately Ash's sense of direction sends them all straight to Vermilion City, breaking the world Cerulean-Vermilion time record. They do however see AJs gym, which has been burned and pillaged. There is a big pile of dead bodies where some mass murderer has dumped all of his bodies in the split that Sandshrew's fissure strike made with the ground. Hey, is that Brock's mum and Officer Rupert? They go straight to the gym.} Ash: I'm here to compete for the Thunder Badge!! Lt. Surge: Hey there baby, where is your loser Pikachu? Ash: I'm no baby. Misty: Yes you are, you my ba {Togepi waves his arms a bit} look at the ickle baby, wah! wah! You are pathetic Ash. Lt. Surge: I like your style bey-atch Misty: I'm not a bey-atch Ash: Yes you are, you my bey {Togepi waves his arms a bit} look at the whore, sucky! sucky! 5 dorar! You are pathetic Misty. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: That's enough of that. Lt. Surges sexy bey-atch at his gym: Hi Brock, let's go crazy like we did last month. Brock: Okay. {Lt. Surges sexy bey-atch and Brock go on a crime spree around Vermilion City, killing many people. Lt. Surges sexy bey-atch gets more sexually aroused as the kill count raises. She still won't sleep with Brock though} 4Kids Entertainment Representative: I'm not sure why I even bother! Ash: Then don't bother so I can get down to some hot {censored} with a tub of chocolate moose! Hey! You cut me! Badly! 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Respect my authoritai! Tai from Digimon: Did someone say my name? MATER: F**k off Tai, Digimon aren't in this episode. Tai: Aw. Misty: No {Suddenly a huge 4Kids Entertainment logo falls from the sky, Misty just dives out of the way. There is now a 4Kids Entertainment shaped hole in the roof.} MATER: Hey, it's my job to try and kill people. Lt. Surge: Are we ever gonna get back to the storyline? MATER: If we have to. Lt. Surge: Right baby, we'll use 8 pokemon each. Ash: I'm only carrying 6! Lt. Surge: Okay then 6, if we must. Go Raichu! {Raichu is a big wimp and stays in the pokeball, frightened he'll get a pika ass kicking} Lt. Surge: A f**k it! Go, Electabuzz Electabuzz: {That stupid buzzarerhaghg that Electabuzz says} Ash: Go Golem!! Brock: You thieving little git! That's my Golem! Ash: You don't mind, do you Brocko! Wait a minute, how did Brock know, he ran out of the gym a while ago with that bey-atch. {Unsurprisingly, Brocks well-trained pokemon kicks Electabuzz to the Stone Age. This pokemon doesn't follow the laws of the space time continuum!} Lt. Surge: Go, Electrode! {An actual electrode comes out of the pokeball, not the pokemon (find a physics/electronics book to find what it is, I can't be bothered telling you. Lt. Surge then releases his REAL Electrode. Anyway, Golem eats explosion.} Ash: Go, Kingler!! Lt. Surge: Go, Jolteon Ethan: That's my Jolteon! MATER: Get lost, here's some pudding Ethan. Ethan: Yeah, puddin' {Ethan runs off with his pudding. Kingler gets the sh*t kicked out of him. That male assistant at the gym gets a mop and bucket} Ash: Go! Snorlax! {Jolteon becomes flateon} Lt. Surge: Go Raichu, or else I'll tell all the pokemon, all your peers that you lost to a loser Pikachu! {Raichu comes out the pokeball. NO, not like that. Anyway, the now alcoholic Raichu who took up booze to forget the humiliating defeat at the hands of a gay, loser, yellow mouse. Seeing Snorlax he legs it and joins the foreign legion.} Lt. Surge: Raichu, where ya goin'? Ah f**k ya, ya just a glorified Pikachu and we all know how sh*t that is! Togepi: Togeprrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Lt. Surge: Well done Togepi, it's nice to know there are innocent harmless pokemon like you around trying to thin out Pikachu numbers. Here have a Thunder Badge. Togepi: Togi, Togiprrrrrrriiiiiiiiii!! {Translation: I won a Thunder Badge! I'm on my way to become a pokemon master} Ash: Aw, how come Togepi gets a badge and I don't. Lt. Surge: Cause I don't respect you! Now Togepi is embracing evil, trying so hard to get to rule the world. Anyway, I'll be his right hand man when the time comes. Anyway, go Magneton. Ash: What was that Surge? What's that pokemon? Dexter analyse! Dexter: Don't you f**king tell be what to do sh*t face. I don't respect your authoritai. Ash: Come on Dexter, I really want to win. Dexter: Okay. Magneton, the sh*te pokemon. This pokemon is very weak against water and flying pokemon. Ash: Okay Snorlax return! Go Squirtle! Wartortle: Wartortle? Ash: Oops sorry Wartortle. {Aaah, crispy Wartortle.} Dexter: Hee hee. I'm so evil!! Ash: What was that Dexter? Dexter: I said you are a shit bastard who can't even win when you have the advantage!! Ash: Wait a minute, fire pokemon have an advantage against steel pokemon, go Charizard! {Ash fails to remember that steel pokemon will only exist from Spring 2001 when Pokemon Gold and Silver are released in the UK. Charizard, a flying pokemon is zapped to near death} Ash: Go, Muk! Misty: You traded your kick ass Ivysaur for your gay raping Muk? Ash: Hey Misty, Muk is never {censored} with me! 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Hee hee. {Muk gets a licking, Ash gets a kicking, Togepi gets a ticking, Misty is being sicking, Blu-tak is a sticking, Mrs. K is letting Prof. Oak put his..} 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Silence! Cease this rubbish! Lt. Surge: Magneton is the best pokemon in the world! Magneton: Mag-ne-ton. Ethan: Is that no. 6? MATER: F**k off cowboy. Ash: I lost! If only I had my PikachuÉ Butch: That's are cue. {A very familiar balloon floats in through the 4kids shaped hole in the roof. How do they control it so well? A balloon doesn't just go down cause you tell it to.} Jesse: Prepare for Trouble James: Make it, er, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, fifthle? Jesse: To protect the world from devastation! Butch: To blight all people in every nation! Jesse: To denounce the evils of truth and love! James: To extend our reach to the stars above! Jesse: Jesse! James: James! Butch: Butch Meowth: Meowth Pikachu: Pikachu Jesse: Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light! James: Surrender now or prepare to fight! Meowth: Dat's right! Ash: Pikachu, you came back to me! Aw, you are my bestest pal! {Pikachu thundershocks Ash. Bastard Trainer} Misty: What do YOU want! Jesse: We hear Magneton is the bestest pokemon ever. We have come to steal it. Lt. Surge: If you want an electric pokemon, take my Raichu, it ran off to join the foreign legion. James: Is that a male only legion? Showers and all? Jesse: Stop thinking with your {censored} James! James: Aw. Butch: Go Raticate! {Raticate (RIP), one of the all time WORST pokemon ever is buried next to Drowzee in the Manderin Island cemetery} Jesse: Ah sod it, we'll just take Ash's Kingler. {Ash, to busy sneaking round the gym, fails to notice them stealing his Kingler. I liked that pokemon too.} James: Hey we got another Pokeball too. Tracey: Please, Team Rocket, get me out of this pokeball. Butch: I bet it is empty, better not bother opening it. Jesse: I'll store with my other pokeballs in my cleavage. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: The following scene has been cut. Don't worry you didn't miss anything, it was only about 2 minutes long. Butch: Phew, I'm tired. Meowth: I need a psychiatrist. James: Jesse, your suffocating Pikachu! Jesse: Oops sorry Pikachu. Ash: Come on, let's go. Misty: But Ash, what about your Thunder Badge. Ash: Oh I don't care, I've already got one. {Suddenly, there is a blue glow in the corner and 5 people in daft clothing appear from nowhere.} James: Those outfits are truly atrocious! Jesse: You said it James. Yuck! Patrick Stewart: Silence! I am Jean Luc Picard from the Starship the Enterprise. I'm here to kill that guy in Pokemon Manga who insulted me by referring to a stupid little yellow thing as Jean Luc Pikachu. I will have my vengeance. Ash: I didn't do it. Misty: Yes you di.. {Ash holds Mistys mouth closed from behind. This looks like a most dodgy position} Ash: Yes, I confess, I did see that one. What an insult Mr. Picard. Hee hee. Patrick Stewart: Commander Data, kill everybody here. Brent Spiner: As you wish Captain. Oh no, I'm suddenly filled with emotions, waaaaa!! Patrick Stewart: F**king hell Data, well, you take care of it Lt. Worf. Michael Dorf: I'm sorry, but I'm trying to eat this Cornish pasty that is stuck to my forehead. Mmmm. Patrick Stewart: Make it so, No. 1. Jonathan Frakes: Okay. {Will Riker shoots Pikachu dead, then Lt. Surges Male Assistant. Everyone runs like hell. Brock returns with Lt. Surges sexy bey-atch. Goodbye bey-atch, nice knowing you. Hmm, wonder what that big flying cube is doing?} The Borg: We are the Borg, we will assimilate all of you. Muhahahaha! Except Ash, he will destroy our perfection the f**king retard. Ash: Borg, what is the meaning of life? The Borg: Your attempts to destroy us by trying to make us answer an unanswerable question will not work. We do not care for the meaning of life. CEO Nwabudike Morgan from Alpha Centauri: Life is merely an orderly decay of energy states, and survival requires the discovery of new energy to pump into the system. He who controls the sources of energy, controls the means of survival. Misty: Who are you? And who do you say your name? {CEO Morgan falls over in that stupid way they do in Pokemon} CEO Morgan: I'm CEO Nwabudike Morgan, leader of Morgan Industries, a faction in the game Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri. Brock: Did someone mention Russ Meyer? I love his movies, I watch them on Channel 5 all the time! The Borg: We will assimilate you too, CEO. Resistance is usually futile. Rocketshipper: Oh great Borg, please tell me, where can I find the proof I so desperately need? The Borg: Your resistance to the James is gay theory is definitely futile. Now, you will be assimilated. Rocketshipper: Get this thing out my neck, ow that painful. Chairman Sheng-Ji Yang from Alpha Centauri: What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no more than information before the senses, data fed to the computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and you shall become master of the output. CEO Morgan: Before you ask, he is an evil communist despot in the game. He doesn't care about money. What a moron. Ash: Did he call be a Pokemon Master? Oh God!! My head is gonna explode with all this philosophy! Academician Prokhor Zakharov from Alpha Centauri: Man's unfailing capacity to believe what he prefers to be true rather than what the evidence shows to be likely and possible has always astounded me. We long for a caring Universe which will save us from our childish mistakes, and in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary we will pin all our hopes on the slimmest of doubts. God has not been proven not to exist, therefore he must exist. Misty: Let's get out of here. Wait, where is Togepi? Togepi: Toge-borg. The Borg: Togepi has been assimilated. His annoying cuteness/evil has been added to our own. His resistance was futile. He has had a Mind-Machine Interface developed into him, he is now Borg. Commissioner Pravin Lal from Alpha Centauri: The Warrior's bland acronym, MMI, obscures the true horror of this monstrosity. Its inventors promise a new era of genius, but meanwhile unscrupulous power brokers use its forcible installation to violate the sanctity of unwilling human minds. They are creating their own private army of demons. Togepi: Toge-borg. The Borg: Ahh, the feedback, is, too strong. This one is poweful. Seven of Nine from Voyager: Togeborg, you must disconnect yourself from the Borg, like me, and then you will grow a nice rack, like mine. Brock: Ooooooo! That's one fine Borg bey-atch. Patrick Stewart: No, you must remain Toge-borg. It takes an evil to beat an evil. Remember the eastern front in WW2? And Al Gore vs. George W. Anyway if you don't I will kill the skinny git. President Nader: Silence! No-one shall speak of the enemy, not on my watch. The Borg: We are the Togepi. You will be assimilated into our Togenlightment. Resistance is futile, and gay. Togeprrrrrrrrrrrriii! MATER: Oh no! Togepi has assimilated the Borg! We are all doomed. Well, you are, I'm in the real world so he can't get me. The Togepi: MATER, you will be assimilated. Just after everyone else and when I know of a way to get into the real world. You will be first, Misty. Togeprrrrriiiiii! Misty: But why? After everything I did for you. The Togepi: You did nothing for us. Brock did more to raise be than you, he shall be spared. Ash, I will spare you for you saved me from being eaten by a prehistoric pokemon in that canyon thingy, and you are too stupid. Ash: Huh? The Togepi: I told you so. Surge will be spared for he is my right hand man. Jesse, you shall be spared as covering up your body with metal implants would lower the ratings. Jesse: I see Togepi has good taste. 4Kids Entertainment Representative: Few, all I care about are ratings, and keeping teenage pregnancies and school shootings down by cutting Pokemon to ribbons. The Togepi: James, your, choice in lifestyle shall we say, will corrupt the Togepi and only lead to single sex assimilations. That is bad. Butch, your deep voice would not fit with the rest, and Meowth you are too short to fit in a Borg alcove. That leaves the Star Trek charactersÉ {The Star Trek characters teleport away and leg it to the other side of the galaxy} The Togepi: The characters from Alpha Centauri {They all go through Psi gates. That's basically teleportation to the other side of the galaxy.} The Togepi: And you Misty. Your usefulness is at an end. I receive all my power from the Borg, and you are running dry on energy. Misty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Lt. Surge: Wait Togepi, please don't assimilate her, she, she is my wife! Misty: YOUR WIFE? I'm married? {Cue music, # It's the end of the world as we know it #} {Credits roll} PLA: Will The Togepi discover that Lt. Surge made that up to spare Mistys life MATER: Aw! You've given away the next episode! The Togepi: Thank you Pokemon League Announcer, I will remember your help come judgement dayÉ PLA: Is Pikachu dead? Is Dexter going to lie about pokemon to Ash so he loses every pokemon battle ever? Will anyone remember that Squirtle evolved in the last episode? Is Tracey having a fun time in Jesse's {censored}? Hey you bastard! You cut me! I'm out of here. MATER: Ah bollox, he wasn't that bad. Will I find a new narrator? Find out, Next time!