1: Pokemon, I Choose You!
Dodgy Synopsis
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What is this? Where is the new show all thekids (and not a small number of adults) that, in Japanat least, is hailed for tackling more adult storylinessuch as psychopathic, pre-pubescent boys, issues ofmind control over fiery red-headed girls, glaucoma inmysterious tanned and toned Gym-Leaders, secret loveaffairs between the Social Elite and the common nymphoand finally, an openly gay cartoon character withABSOLUTELY NO sexual interest in females.
In short, where is Pokemon?
It's here, stop being silly, this is only thefirst two seconds of the cartoon.
Impatient son of a bitch.
Quite cleverly the LCD screen shifts andtwists in ways the GameBoy never did, thickening out andtaking in colour depth....
Why this isn't a Game at all! This is anactual Pokemon battle between a Nidorino and a Gengar,battled in the elite Pokemon League!
The camera trucks out to reveal the Stadium,then cuts to a glorious held cell of the excitedcrowd, who all look extremely excited by the events unfoldingbefore them.... except the guy third from the right,who seems a bit nervous and is glancing at the womanbeside him.
There's a million stories in the naked city.
A million.
That's one million.
Exactly.
We counted them.
One million.
That's a lot.
It's more than 20, it's less then one millionand twenty.
Just thought you'd like to know that.
Nidorino ignores the held cell of the crowdand swipes at Gengar, who leaps above it, bounces off it's headand then puts it out with it's hypnosis attack.
Wisely the Nidorino's Trainer calls it backand instead sends out Onyx, a massive, snake like Rock Pokemonwhose brute strength is hard to match.
The Trainer is seen only in silhouette, but heresembles strongly one of The Elite Four (The four best PokemonTrainer's alive in the world) named Bruno.
How do we know this?
Good question.
He also uses a green Pokeball.
That's interesting, they're usually red.
Hmmm, held cells, colour shifts, LCD screens......animation wise this isn't looking too good, is it. But then, whatmakes Pokemon popular isn't the animation or hell, even the story.
It's the Dodginess of the show, the way itborders ever so closely on the edge of revealing it's dark secrets.
There is more to be seen of this in future episodes, never outright coming out and revealing itself, just hinting at things hidden beneath the surface, hidden by a mixture of canny self-knowledge and a Translation desperate to make it out asa 'kiddies' show.
Well damn their hides, their mothers and theirmail-men, Pokemonis dodgy and this first episode is just the startingpoint for something that will grow and grow and grow, culminating with one of the main characters openly outing himself as a homosexual in the second movie.
Again, how do we know this?
That's another good question.
The camera trucks back, the image of Onyx smashing in the earth as Gengar dodges aside becoming distorted. We are nowlooking at a t.v screen in a bedroom as a young boy pulls on his gloves and spirals around, revealing to us for the first time..... ASH KETCHUM!
Wow, that would be a bigger moment if we actually knew who this little punk kid actually was, wouldn't it.
The excited little boy whose room is overloaded with the normal merchandise of a Pokemon fanatic. Pokeball blanket, Snorlax cushion, Poliwhirl pencil sharpener, Clefairy-Bank, ZubatMobile (what is he, two?)and a poster featuring the three most popular Pokemonamongst early trainer's, Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur. Allfine products whichcan be found at your local Nintendo-Sanctioned GiftStore.
Buy perfection, buy Pokemon.
As Ash pulls on his shoes he excitedly thinksto himself that he can finally get a Pokemon License because he'sreached the ripe old age of.... ten!
My goodness they grow up early in PokemonLand, don't they!
Seems the town's licensee is one ProfessorOak, a dirty old man with a penchant for screwing Ash's Mum..... again, howdo we know this?
Another fine question, you should be proud!
The following morning Ash will be allowed togo to Professor Oak and get a Pokemon Trainer's beginning license, andfrom there thislittle ten year old kid will actually go off into theworld on his own and make his own way through life, living rough,eating like a hobo from a can, freeloading from motel to hotel to back-seat to bus to boat tofree-floating giant platforms.
Eat your heart out, Huckleberry Finn.
Ash, like most kids with frighteninglypsychopathic delusions ofgrandeur, believes he will become the greatest PokemonMaster of all time and bravely talks up his own chances before beinginterrupted by one who holds power over even himself.
His Mum.
Dodgemasters Note : Mom is a silly word thatnobody really enjoys using, Mum being the correct way of writing, spelling and pronouncing the term.
American's should note that Mother ispronounced Muth-er and not Moth-er, and thus the abbreviation of Mother to Mum makes considerablymuch more sense than Mother to Mom.
Mrs. Ketchum seems quite upset that her boy isup past 11 in the evening, opening his Voltorb clock to allow a Pidgey to bounce out. Herirritation more likely comes from wanting to get herfreak on with aclandestinely visiting Professor Oak, but that isneither here nor there, when Mother speaks, you listen.
Ash, of course, whines like the little punk heis, insisting that he can't sleep, what with starting his Pokemon Journey and all.
Mothers, of course, are impenetrable walls ofauthority and despite her lasviscious ways, Mrs. Ketchum will have none of it.
She determines that if he can't sleep, he'll just have to make use of his time by watching the video prepared for all new Trainer's by Professor Oak.
Mrs. Ketchum also has some other videosstarring Professor Oak, but those are not for young boys to see.
Professor Oak introduces Bulbasaur - a grasstype Pokemon whichclearly has an attitude, and the vine whips to back itup - a Charmander - which is a fire type Pokemon whose tailconstantly burns,signifying it's health - and also Squirtle - like aturtle but with blue skin and the ability to.... well.... squirt,uh.... water.
Mrs. Ketchum, holding something - some kind ofsex toy perhaps? - behind her back admonishes Ash to get into hispyjama's and go to bed oncethe video is over, leaving an excited Ash to watch asthe man who is, in all likelihood, his Daddy explain the virtues ofeach different Pokemon.
That night Ash dreams of which Pokemon heshould choose, knowing that Bulbasaur would be neat for a beginner but Squirtle would be fun.
His tossing (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DA GUTTA!) andturning knocks over
his Voltorb clock, which is ominous foreboding indeed.
Ominous.
Indeed.
The next morning a Doduo cackles it hideoussong from it's parched,warbling throat, sounding oddly reminiscent of JuliaRoberts laughing. Ash is still dreaming, thinking aboutCharmander. Yes, it seemsthose in the know say that's the way to go.
They also say people who impart wisdom in theform of a rhyme thoroughly deserve the punt in the bollocks theyusually get.
Ash awakens, spotting with shock his brokenclock, panickingas he realises he has no idea what time it is. Noteven stopping toget into his clothes, he hoons down the dirt road(what kind of backwater'burg is Pallet Town anyway? With dirt-roads andquaint little colleges, what could possibly keep a millionaire/socialist/scientific genius likeProfessor Oak from shifting his roots?
Well, hot, constant, illegal in 48 States sexwith Mrs. Ketchum might be a start.
It is here that Ash has his first run-in(literally) with GaryOak, whom unbeknownst to Ash is actually his oldernephew. Pushing past Gary's ever present cheerleaders and his Rent-A-Crowd, he smashes right into the older boy and gets knocked onto his ass.
Gary tells him to watch where he's going, thennoting that it'shis hated younger Uncle takes great delight in mockinghim. And well should he, Ash is wearing lime green jammies, appearsto have a mullet and is obviously not too quick on the up-take.
Gary makes a grandiose, ego-stroking speech tothe Rent-A-Crowd,promising to make them proud, promising to make PalletTown famous around the world.
He also refuses to tell Ash what kind ofPokemon he chose, taking delight in whatever little inconvenience he can cause young Ash.
The reason? Well, Gary was born into a rich,Socialite (not Socialist mind, oh the horror, the horror!) Familywith roots back into ancient times. He has had the Family Honour driven into him since hewas a child by parents who were probably distant andtoo self-involved to pay much attention to him.
The only person Gary would have known as agentle and loving role-model would have been his Grandfather, Professor Oak.
And then, bang! He hears the rumours, finds outthat following the loss of his wife (probably through death, maybe a divorce) Professor Oak found comfort in the arms of a common housewife, one Mrs. Ketchum, and the product of this passionate, supposedly secret affair is Ash Ketchum, a thick as pigshit, emotionally crippledlittle boy who is actually GARY'S UNCLE!
Oh the shame, the humiliation, the disgrace, the embarrassment, the dishonour!
Suddenly his role-model, whom had littleenough time for himanyway what his Pokemon Research AND screwing Mrs.Ketchum now is more interested in shaping the life of his new son.
As Ash gets caught up in violent andunrealistic fantasies ofrevenge upon Gary, Professor Oak - still in a bit of astupor from lastnights sexual marathon with Mrs. Ketchum - wandersover and notes that Ash has finally arrived.
"PROFESSOR OAK!" gasps Ash, caught out. Hewhirls around, smilesand asks where his Pokemon is, claiming he's ready.
"You look like you're ready for bed," replies Professor Oak, who really has tried his best to make something out of his young bastard child, "I hope you don't think you're going to do yourtraining in your pyjamas!"
If it was anyone else but Ash, you'd think itwas a joke, but you never know.
You never bloody know.
Ash is given his choice, presented with threePokeballs, onecontaining Bulbasaur, one containing Charmander and the third containing Mew, rarest of all Pokemon.
Oops, sorry, that was a typo, the last onecontains Squirtle. And it's Squirtle Ash picks, having finallycome to his conclusion,he lifts the ball and it opens to reveal.... empty? Seems that Pokemon was already picked bysomeone who was on time, so Ash picks Bulbasaur.... empty.
Well, the last apple in the barrel isn't ALWAYS rotten, Ashthinks to himself, so he'll go with Charmander.
Nope, sorry Ashy-Boy, with Charmander, just asin life, you don't get it.
So all the Pokemon have been taken, leavingyoung Trainer Ash with no Pokemon.
Ah well, good series while it lasted, pity itdidn't pan out, goodnight everybody, wake us up before the Wrestlingstarts.
Oh.
There's one more Pokemon left to choose,according to Professor Oak.
Pity, I was dreaming about Alyson Hannigan aswell.
Mmmmmm, Alyson Hannigan.
Anyway, there is one Pokannigan left, it'sname Alyson and...
Dodgemaster Lex's Note : Due to being a sillyboy, Dodgemaster Tim was at this point doused in cold water, smacked upside the head,Choke-slammed, given The Last Ride and then coveredwith The Darkness Pin for the count of 1, 2 and 3.
Kurt Angle is our Olympic Hero.
Anyway, there is one Pokemon left, but thereis a slight problem with it, warns Professor Oak, so be wary.
Given this sobering warning from one of theworlds foremostexperts on Pokemon, Ash does the sensible thing andjust calls out The Pokemon, presenting to the eyes of adoring kids for the first time what will become a mass-marketing sensation.
Pikachu.
"It's the best of all!" gasps an excited Ash,scooping up Pikachu and hugging it tightly.
Aha, but cute as it is, Pikachu's shares bothThe French's love for physical comedy and their short tempers andcombines the two to blast Ash with it's powerful Thunderbolt attack.
Professor Oak, in a grossly negligent act ofparental delinquency,just watches this calmly and makes a terrible punabout how shocking it all is.
Sigh, if only there was somebody out there whowould punish those who made bad puns.... like some sort of GASP! PUN-Isher!
But it'll never happen, certainly not at Lt.Surge's Gym, that's for damn sure! (We love the benefit of hindsight!).
Ash continues to hold onto Pikachu asProfessor Oak hands himhis Pokedex and Pokeballs (GETCHA MIND OUTTA DAGUTTA!), and as Ashcontinues to be cupping one of Pikachu's softly furredbuttocks, The Electric Mouse zaps Ash and, as a result of the hand-off, Professor Oak as well.
Outside, Mrs. Ketchum awaits with local townspeople she hassomehow bribed into coming out to pretend they careabout Ash. One wouldwonder why she didn't wake him earlier, but she wasprobably conked out herself after an all night whips and chains party with Professor Oak down in the basement.
Mrs. Ketchum starts to cry, whether from pridelike she claimsor just overwhelming depression from having Ash as ason or maybe even the release of knowing he's going away and there's a good chance he might just die, we don't know.
In an act of love and kindness she wipes her tears and snot into the back of Ash's bag and then piles the contents into his hands, giving him shoes and jeans and shirts and hot chocolate and food and rubber gloves to wash his clothes and a clothesline to hang them up to dry and....
Even for someone as thick-headed as Ash thismolly-coddling isembarrassing and he begs his mother to stop, telling hehe's a big timePokemon Trainer now. This, of course, causes her tonote that he has a Pokemon at his side.
"This is your Pokemon?" she asks. Ash tries to talk up Pikachu, but being a Mum(A mUm!) she seesthrough the bullshit immediately and asks why Pikachuisn't in his Pokeball.Ash tries to show off and tosses the Pokeball atPikahu, telling it to get again.
With the same casual arrogance which had madeThe French both adoredand despised throughout Europe and, indeed, The World,Pikachu bats the Pokeball aside with it's tail.
So, of course, being the bright boy that heis, Ash again throwsthe ball down, and again, and again, and again, Pikachu batting it indifferently aside each time.
Mrs. Ketchum comes to the rescue, of course,making out thatthe two of them are friends and are playing catch. Ash scoops up Pikachu and smiles, pretending that this is the case, but then Mrs. Ketchum ruins things by saying that Pikachu looks a little weird.
Pikachu growls, a little black skull andcrossbones appearingabove it's head before it shocks the entire crowd,except for ProfessorOak who wisely grounds himself against the gate'snearby pillar.
"Those rubber gloves your mother packed willcome in handy," henotes to Ash, fondly remembering his own experienceswith Ash's mother and rubber gloves.
"Why?" asks Ash.
"Because rubber blocks electricity."
"Great," grunts Ash, then he and the crowdcollapse to the ground.
The next shot we see is of Ash heading out oftown, a ten yearold kid heading out into the deadly Veridian Forest,wearing rubber glovesand dragging Pikachu by the clothesline his mothergave him, attached to a collar around the poor little electric rodent's body.
Look at that, Pokemon abuse on his very firstday as a Trainer.
For shame, for shame.
Finally getting tired of lugging Pikachuabout, Ash stops and asks Pikachu to tell him what's wrong. Is it, could it be... does Pikachu not like him?
Pikachu nods.
Well, that's a good start.
"Well I like you," Ash tries, "This would be alot easier if you could just open your mouth and tell me what's wrong."
Pikachu takes this literally, opening hismouth wide (and we mean WIDE! We're talking Steve Tyler wide here!).
"That's not quite what I meant," Ashsighs, "Can't you say anything but you're own name?"
Pikachu nods again, saying it's name toemphasise the point.
Ash, thinking he's outsmarted the rodent,claims that this makesPikachu just like all other Pokemon and because ofthis he should get into his Pokeball.
He opens his Pokedex and Dexter (thename of his Pokedex) informs Pikachu that this is the case, which gives Asha nice warm little fuzzy feeling, knowing that he's been proven right.
Pikachu sniffs, leaps up and pushes a buttonon Dexter, whichthen informs Ash that in some exceptions, certainPokemon cannot stand being confined.
Outsmarted by a yellow rat, Ash is feeling nota little pathetic, until the footsteps of an approaching Pokemon disturbs them both. Turninghe spots a Pidgey, a Bird Type Pokemon which Dexterassures Ash is amongst the most gentle and easily captured of Pokemon.
Ash laughs and orders Pikachu to go blastPidgey, but littlePikachu has no interest in fighting and instead boundsup a tree and sits on a branch, watching Ash as he angrily decides to just go and kick that Pidgey's ass himself.
Wow.
What a guy.
He drops his bag, takes out his Pokeball andmakes a little speechand a dramatic pose before tossing his Pokeball atPidgey, hitting it and sucking it inside.
"I did it!" he laughs, then watches in shockas the Pokeballwobbles, shakes, then opens up, releasing Pidgey andleaping back into his hand as the stunned Pokemon takes off through the grass.
"I blew it!" moaned Ash as Pikachu sits onit's branch and laughs at him, going, "Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi!"
Dexter informs Ash that Pokemon have to battleand be weakenedbefore being captured. This makes Pikachu laugh somemore as Ash grumblesthat he has to do everything himself, but spotting his backpack he gets an idea.
Creeping up on Pidgey, he carries his pyjamatop before him,getting into Pidgey's sight before throwing the jackethigh, spinning about some and then tossing it over the Bird-TypePokemon, trying desperately to hold the struggling creaturedown before his top expands, expands and then launches him into the air, crashing him into the ground.
Dexter explains that this is Pidgey's gustattack, capable of creating mini-tornadoes, then informs Ash it also has a sand-attack.
No sooner are the words said than sand is flung intoAsh's face and Pidgey flies away.
Ash grumbles, then turns to see a smallrat-like Pokemon goingthrough his bag. He cries out and it runs away asDexter tells him thatthis is a Rattata, a Pokemon that forages in forestsfor fruits, berries and nuts.
"But this is an open field!" complains Ash tothe inanimate device.
"It also comes into open fields," continuesDexter, "So that it can steal food from STUPID travellers."
HA! Way to go Dexter! BURN!
"That means that....I'm stupid?" asks Ash, asPikachu laughssome more. He hears some more Pidgey's chirping andtosses a stone atthem, but they fly easily away before he can get them.
This infuriates him, until he notices a shadowy figure (what's casting the shadow is unclear, it may be the shadow cast by a plot devicenecessary to maintain the flow of the show) and tosses a rock at it, mistakenly thinking that it is a Pidgey.
Of course it is a Spearow, the most easily enraged Bird-Type Pokemon there is. It has been known to attack otherPokemon and even humans, and this one is no exception.
It launches itself at Ash, who dodges aside, grabbing his bag and swinging it like a weapon as The Spearowdarts about him.
We cut to a look at vision from a Spearow'svision, seeing thingsin black and white. It misses Ash but then spots Pikachu, and beginsdivebombing the little electric rodent, causing cutelittle Pikachu to fall off the branch, only just catching it with it's little paws before it would have fallen to a very bumpy landing.
"Leave Pikachu alone, it didn't throw the rock!" snaps Ash, as Dexter explains that Wild Pokemon are often jealous ofhuman trained Pokemon.
It zeros in on Pikachu, who hits the flyingSpearow with a Thunderbolt which knocks it to the ground as Ash excitedly proclaims to Pikachu,"You got it!"
Spearow sits up, glares at them, then opensit's beak wide andscreams out, "SPEEARRRRRRRRRRRROW!"
From a nearby tree the cry is echoed again and again, and suddenly A Flock of Flying Spearow are on their way, as Ashmakes the smart decision for once in his life and decides to leg it.
They charge past Sandshrews and Mankey's, running and running and running some more.
"Don't worry Pikachu, I'll save you!" criesAsh, and this brave,heroic statement does not go unnoticed by Pikachuwho.... takes off ahead and leaves Ash behind.
Every man for himself, it's the French way! The Spearow's bang into his head, then pushpast him and knockPikachu down, surrounding it and pecking and kicking.
Ash roars and pushes past them, scooping Pikachu up and running onahead till he comesto, as you must in all Action Movies, a waterfall.
He pauses, then turns his cap around backwards (maybe the jump will be less fatal if the bill isn't over his forehead?) and then leaps into the water, immediately getting sucked into the current,past a Magikarp, narrowly escaping the bite of a Gyrados as TheSpearow's continue togive chase.... right into the path of true love.
An idyllic scene this, a pretty young red-head...
....Mmmmmm Alyson Hannigan
...sitting on a rock by a small river, fishingand enjoying the peace.
Suddenly a bite at her rod and she excitedlyleaps to her feet, thinking this could be it, it feels like a big one!
How she will come to regret (and know thefalsity!) of those words!
She pulls with immense strength, pulling Ashand Pikachu bothbodily from the water, throwing them in an overheadarc and smashing them into the ground behind her.
Such power, such energy, such vitality fromthis young red-head,one can only pray that she never comes across somekind of, oh, we don'tknow, some kind of Freaky Egg-Thingy that sucks theenergy and spirit from her, taking dark control of her with it's evil telepathic hooks.
Nah! That'll never happen!
"It's just a kid!" snaps Misty angrily, thengushes with delight as she spots Pikachu... until she realises the state it's in.
"Are you all right?" she asks.
Ash looks up and finds himself staring intothe face of a beautiful young girl and EVEN HE isn't THAT stupid.
He smiles kind of shyly, starting the history of AAML at this very point, and tells her bravely that, yeah, he's fine.
"NOT YOU!" she growls at him, looking likeshe's about to slaphim, "Look what you've done to that poor little thing!
Is it breathing?"
Ash, being quite dim and also taken aback ashis thoughts oflove and marriage (an institute you can't disparage)are crushed beneath her fury, turns his love for her into a scabby, crusty armour of denial.
He isn't sure if Pikachu is all right, so Misty snaps at him toget to the nearby Poke-Centre, kind of a hospital forPokemon.
"SPEARRRRRRRRRRRRROW!!!!!" scream TheSpearow's again, coming down the river after them.
Ash leaps up beside Misty's bike, placingPikachu gently inside of her basket and then hopping onto the seat.
"What are you doing!" cries Misty angrily.
"I'm borrowing this!" snaps Ash, taking Mistyaback with hisforceful manner. What kind of boy is this? What kindof take charge kind of MAN is this to speak to her so!?!
"I'll return it... someday!" cries Ash as hepeddles off, leaving Misty behind.
"Oh you!" she snaps, shaking her own head indenial of the unmistakable spark of love she has felt for thisstrange, forceful young hero.
If only she knew.... if only she knew.
If only she bloody knew.
Thunderclouds clash overhead as Ash strainshis mightiest, cyclingwith all the power his puny legs can manage. TheSpearow's give chase,catching up as the rain begins to pound down, Ashstraining harder and harder as an exhausted Pikachu watches.
The Spearow's pull up on either side of himand in desperation,trying an act which only an Action Hero could everpull off, he leaps over a ridge and crashes his bike into the ground.
Forcing himself back up, he spots Pikachulying on the groundbefore him and, gritting his teeth, drags himself upto her. He begs Pikachu to get into it's Poke-ball so that he can help him, it's the only way to protect him.
Leaving the pokeball beside Pikachu, he pullshimself to hisfeet and spreads his arms wide as he raises his headin the teeming rain ala Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption, roaring his defiance at The Spearows.
"I'm Ash from the town of Pallet, I'm destinedto be the worldsnumber one Pokemon Trainer, I can't be defeated by thelikes of you, I'm going to capture and defeat you all!"
The Spearows flap over him, preparing toattack as Ash once moreturns to Pikachu and tells him to get into thePokeball. Turning back to face The Spearow's, he roars at them to come and get him, which, of course, they do.
Swooping as one, illuminated in fits and bursts by bolts oflightning, Ash standing bravely (or stupidly, based onyour point ofview) before them as Pikachu gathers it's strength andleaps past Ash, drawing the lightning bolts like a conductor, sucking in the energy and releasing it, blasting The Spearow's away with a massive blast of electricity.
The Spearow's are defeated, Ash is shocked,Pikachu is halfdead and Misty is without a bike, and yet somehow asense of happinessis in the air. Ash has actually done something right,defeating The Spearows, gaining Pikachu's respect and also leaving Misty's bike a melted pile of slag.
Well, we can't win them all.
He carries Pikachu to the nearby town,spotting The Poke-Centreand sighing with relief, knowing Pikachu can now be saved.
To his surprise Pikachu gives him a little lick on the cheek, as close as it can get to the French Cheek-Kiss of admiration, feared by American's and British everywhere for the implied homo-eroticism.
In Ash's mind, everything is going to be allright from now on.
Foolish boy, he should Prepare For Trouble.
And he better make it double.
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